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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Maisie

Maisie
Oil on canvas, 12x12, commission

My lovely studio has sat cold, half-insulated and unused this past month. Peter and I set out to do the work ourselves, but in the end, it just didn't happen. We know a little bit about carpentry, but not enough. We have a few tools, but not the right ones. And friends and  relatives volunteered to help, but in life's reality, no one has the time - or has it when anyone else has it.

So I had carpenters come and give estimates. One, a neighbor, had great ideas, but he really does historic-home work, and was just too expensive. Another guy never showed up. A third guy I just didn't trust.

Then a friend mentioned another a friend of hers who does carpentry, and was looking for work, and so I called and he came over, and the project is up and going again. He's starting today, and I should be painting out there by next week.

Throughout all of this, I have come face to face with a truth about myself. I am honestly not sure that I am worth the money that it will take to make this studio.

I balk at spending on something that is entirely for me.

If Peter or my siblings or my dad or stepdaughter needed the money, I would not hesitate. But the idea of spending this amount of money on myself brings up a turmoil of questions of self-worth and self-confidence - along with my perpetual questions about the course I've chosen here.

I have talked to myself about this. I have reasoned with myself. I have grabbed hold of my fears, of my hope, of my proving-itself-success, and for the moment, for this one moment, I have managed to quiet that doubting internal Carrie, have told her to go sit in the corner and just be quiet while I allow myself to celebrate.

4 comments:

Sheila said...

Yes, quit picking on my friend. She has a unique view on life and a wonderful style of joi de vivre painting.

I think this is a great start for your 2010. If you don't invest in yourself, how can you expect others to do the same? Happy New Year HUGS!

L.Holm said...

I know that feeling well!
I'm glad to hear your studio insulation is underway, and that you've quelled for a moment the doubts. I've faced that internal battle (and continue to). From the outside, I can say with confidence you, Carrie, and your work are well worth any investment. There ought to be some remote island where we could all send our nagging should demons to chill. :-D
Hope you have a prosperous, guilt free, creatively energized, properly insulated and joyous 2010, Carrie!

Carrie Jacobson said...

Thanks for this, Sheila! I love the idea of investing in myself - and making it easier for others to do the same.

Carrie Jacobson said...

Thanks, Liz - It really helps to know that others struggle with these battles - and others whose work, like yours, I admire so very much. It helps!