Wednesday, April 29, 2020
Mama Cardinal with Dogwood
Mama Cardinal with Dogwood / oil on black canvas / 5x7 unframed / $68
IN MY LIFE AFTER PETER,
in my art, and in my heart, I find I'm drawn to light. To lightness. I want to feel that I am treading lightly on the earth, am free of heaviness, of obligation, of burden, in my body, in my art, in my home.
I want to be light, paint light, stretch for the arcs and the arches, paint the reaching and the striving, the colors, the sunshine, the open spaces, the promises and the hopes. I want to paint this, and I want to be this, as if I could blow away, as if all that is holding me here or anywhere is love and desire - not obligation, necessity, possession.
Isn't this how we all want to live? At least deep down?
With Peter, I did. Yes, I made the promise, way back, to stay forever - but every day, I chose to say "Yes" again - and isn't that what made the promise so valuable? Not that I made it in the first place, or abided by it, or took it for granted, but that every day, I chose him over everyone, everything, everywhere.
And now, he is gone. And I make a promise to myself. I choose this life, this light, this love.
A note to my agnostic and atheist readers: Long before I came to believe in a power greater than myself, I had this prayer up on my wall. I thought about leaving out the God references, in hopes of not putting you off, but left them, hoping that you will just get by them, to find the beautiful, resonant center of this prayer.
Prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
Toe be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And in dying that we are born to eternal life.
April 29, 2020
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